Only Temporary

“And what hurts the most is people can go from people you know to people you don't” - People You Know, Selena Gomez

I used to think we would stick together forever; that we would never reach the fork in the road of life. Yet when we excitedly jumped up and down having just received acceptance letters into our dream high schools in grade 7, I felt stuck, afraid of leaving the present behind for something unfamiliar.

I've always questioned my ability to have a sense of direction. Maybe it was because school never taught me how to survive in that way. Or how I’ve always been too shy to encounter the world on my own. But those things never seemed to affect you. You had your life laid out nicely while my jealousy reigned in your shadow. Truthfully, I felt intimidated by you. Yet it was my admiration for you that stayed with me as we headed our separate ways. I felt confused about why  I couldn’t have the same spark you did. Maybe that’s what got me stuck, unknowing, and lost.

How could you swallow the fact that your best friend since kindergarten wouldn’t see you every day? What twisted implication of anticipation had led me to this dead end? It’s hard to remind myself of reality, and not the perfect fairy tale ending I desperately want life to be. Not every decision made can include all the people you deeply cherish. Not every decision is your choice.

And despite not getting a choice, you promised to text me every day, and gossip about all the mishaps that happened at our new schools. But most importantly, you promised to stay my best friend. I chose to tell my new friends about how great a person you were, but the eventual dry texts and empty group chats burned that promise whole. I pondered endlessly about your sudden disappearance and asked other people about your whereabouts. Nobody knew where you had gone, but  I most certainly felt the most confused. I felt lost, not only for words but for where I would go next; where we would go next. You changed how I perceived the world.

I still remember that day in grade 7 when the teacher overheard us talking about our plans for high school, and where we were going to go. I thought I had it all figured out, but in reality I had no idea where I was going. 

I didn’t have you tell me which way to go. That was something I had to figure out.